


Joker Tales

by orphan_account



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Joker lies a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 06:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19784725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: How did he get those scars? Who cares! The Joker tells some memorable "origin stories" to his captives and captors.





	Joker Tales

Harley Quinn stared at the dusty old photo album. She wondered why Mr. J would have hidden something like this. As far as she could tell, there weren't any weapons or jokes. It was just some photos of a man and his wife.

The man was cute. She had to admit. There was something familiar about him. Take away the drab old brown suit and put a smile on his face, and you'd have...

_Mr. J?_

Realization hit her, and she dropped the photo album.

Bud and Lou, her two hyena pups, whimpered at the loud noise.

Harley picked the album back up and thumbed through it curiously.

"My dearest Jeannie...may our love always be pure..."

She made a face as she read the cheesy love poem.

"Yuck! Too mushy..." Harley said with a devious smile.

She stifled a giggle.

"An ta think, big ol tough Mr. J wrote this...to a girl?" Harley asked.

That's when she heard the door creak. The unmistakable "clop" of Joker's loafers clicked on the floor as he walked.

"Haaarley..." Joker called sweetly.

Harley Quinn quickly hid the album and pretended to be tidying up. She whistled a circus tune while she pulled out a feather duster.

Joker walked behind her and cleared his throat.

"Eh-hum..."

Harley gave a smile and a giggle.

"Oh, don't mind me, Mr. J...I'm just dustin your old trophies..." Harley said with a pause.

Joker crossed his arms and gave her a blank stare as if to say, "you can lie better than that, Harl..."

Harley continued trying to dust, but the Joker just stood there.

"Is there a problem, boss?" Harley finally asked after taking a hard gulp, "when y'stand like that y'kinda make me nervous,"

Joker's shadow didn't leave her. Harley slowly brought her gaze up, and locked eyes with the Joker who was wearing a slight scowl. He quickly pulled it back into an unsettling smile. It was a polite smile that wasn't showing any teeth. Mr. J sometimes killed people after showing them that smile. Harley suddenly felt sick. She cautiously backed away.

"Harley, sweetheart, pumpkin pie..." Joker said, the same deceptive smile on his face.

Suddenly his eyebrows arched into an angry grimace, and his smile became a snarl. Harley braced herself for a slap.

"...YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS ROOM!" Joker yelled. He threw over one of the tables close to where she was standing, and various books and notes crashed to the floor, spooking the hyena cubs and causing them to run out of the room. Harley made a run for it, too, but Joker blocked the door.

Joker walked up to Harley, who was now quivering in a corner. He fired his gun at the bricks next to her head just to watch her squirm. When she was on her knees, bracing for the inevitable, he put his hand on her shoulder. She quivered like a leaf.

"...I suppose I can let you off with a warning this time, but..." Joker cut himself off.

"Yeah, boss?" Harley asked.

Joker bent down and picked up the album.

"Harley, where did you find _this_?"

"Oh, that?" Harley asked. Her face was streaked with black face paint where she'd been crying.

Joker scowled at her impatiently.

"I um found it when I was cleanin out this room?" Harley answered cautiously.

"Tsk...tsk...tsk...now I really am going to have to kill you," Joker said.

"Ah, Mr. J, you're such a kidda..." Harley said, hoping this was just another one of her boss's sick jokes.

"I'm afraid I'm serious this time, kiddo," Joker said.

Harley noticed a change in his tone. She looked up to see a frown replacing the usual manic smile.

She smiled, assuming it was just a joke.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Harley asked as she leaned forward to face the barrel of Joker's gun.

"Go boom!" Harley said in a cutesy voice reminiscent of a five-year-old.

Joker sighed and dropped the gun.

Harley let out a premature sigh of relief.

"Oh, don't get too comfortable, Dr. Quinzel. I'm still going to kill you. You can bet your life on it! Ha!"

Joker took the album, dusted it off, and found a chair.

"I just thought you might want to hear a little story first,"

Harley shakily got up from her corner.

"Gee? a story? I love stories, boss!" Harley said, attempting to put on the cheeriest disposition she could while frantically searching for a way out.

"Take a seat..." Joker said coldly.

Harley carefully got up from her corner and found an old chair that didn't have wires sticking out it and took a seat.

Joker put both of his hands on the book and turned to Harley in a dramatic fashion.

"You are about to learn the true origin story of the Joker, my Harley Quinn..."

Harley flashed a smile.

"...unfortunately, after I tell you, I'll have to kill you...can't have people running around who'll tell all of my secrets, after all..." Joker added.

Harley giggled nervously and frowned.

"That's okay, boss, I don't wanna know..." Harley said, as she attempted to leave her seat.

"Not so fast!" Joker yelled.

Harley heard a button click. Immediately she found herself wrapped in something reminiscent of a party streamer.

"Is this really necessary?" Harley protested as she pulled on her festive looking restraints.

Joker shook his head, pulled out a remote, and signaled a hidden television screen. The footage showed her looking through the photo album and making jokes to her hyenas.

Joker scowled at her.

"Not interested, eh?" Joker growled.

Harley blushed and sank back in her chair.

"Caught me red handed..." Harley said with a pout.

Joker sucked in a little air through his teeth.

"I'm afraid so..." Joker said in one of his darkest tones.

Joker again put on his fake grin and sauntered back to the photo album.

Harley winced as she listened to him squeal with delight.

"Where's Batman when you need him?" Harley asked herself while facing the camera.

"Harley, are you talking to someone?" Joker asked.

Harley giggled nervously.

"No one, Mr. J..." Harley said.

Joker forced Harley to look at the photo album as he recounted every little gory detail about his _real_ past. To say Harley wasn't thrilled would be an understatement; the Joker _did_ promise to kill her after telling her after all.

She learned about poor innocent unassuming Jack Napier, but that was a pseudonym of course, recruited to the Valestra mob at the ripe old age of twelve, and the clever way he changed his name and left the country, only to settle down and start a family in Gotham, where the mob had a stronghold and he was quickly recruited for more jobs, his pregnant wife as collateral, all culminating with the setup, where he was almost murdered at Ace Chemicals.

"So...what d'you think?" Joker asked.

Harley yawned and looked at the Joker with a bored expression.

"I think y'need ta work on yr'material," Harley said as she rolled her eyes.

"What?" Joker asked, a confused expression on his face.

"I mean, if you're gonna make up an origin story, at least make it believable," Harley quipped. She crossed her arms and made a pouting expression.

Joker closed the album and let it fall to the floor.

"Why you little..." Joker growled.

Harley yawned again.

"I've never so insulted in all of my..."

Joker paused; he was so angry that he couldn't even finish his sentence.

"Get out!" he ordered suddenly.

"With pleasure, as soon as you untie me," Harley said.

Joker took out his knife, slit the restraints, and let her fall to the floor.

"Get out! Now! If I ever see your face again, I'll..."

"Kill me, Mr. J?" Harley added.

"You're not good enough to be killed by me!" Joker spat.


End file.
